Some Days It's Just Everything And Everything Is Just Too Much
by SecretAgentK13
Summary: This is my account—my personal account—of life and how it can suck sometimes. How it can throw you down and beat the shit out of you. How it can leave you sobbing on the floor, begging for death to extinguish your misery. How it can win, just like that. This is me and this is my life. Read it if you dare. But I warn you, it's not a joke and it's not for the faint of heart.
1. Chapter 1

So here I am, doing homework, debating whether or not to kill myself. Totally normal, right?

Well that's what my parents said. Not exactly that per-say but they said it's normal to feel sad at times. They said everybody goes through it. Somehow I doubt that everybody sits alone in their room pondering whether it would be better to jump off the highschool's roof or take an exacto-knife and slit their wrists while sitting alone amongst the trees where no one can find you. But then again, I don't really know, after all, it's not like I go around asking people if they fantasize about killing themselves on a regular basis too.

If I did that, they'd know I'm crazy. They'd know and they'd treat me differently. They'd talk and gossip and whisper and laugh and point and stare and tease and avoid me like the London Plague in the sixteenth century, and do all of the other obnoxious shit that highschoolers do. So I can't tell anyone. But even though I know I can't tell anyone and my greatest fear is someone finding out, I _want_ people to know. I want them to realize that I'm messed up, that it's not all in my head, that I'm not just being moody, that _I need help_. But they can't know. I understand that. But then why do I want them too?

It's so confusing. Everything is confusing. It's probably just because I am a stupid screw-up loser who can't do anything right. I can't succeed in sports, I can't do well in school, I can't get people to actually like me, I can't even tell anyone why I'm so sad. Because I don't even know myself. I've had such a good life and yet here I am, alone in my room, crying, typing this up instead of doing my homework like I should be doing. Pathetic.

I'm pathetic. I'm useless. I'm a failure. I hate myself. I want to die.

Why the hell can't I just die?

* * *

**This came from my head, my journal, and my life. This is not me pretending to be Cam, this is me being me. So ya, I guess you could say I'm suicidal. I guess you could say I'm crazy. And I guess you could say I need help. You're right. But before you go worrying about little messed up old me, I'll go ahead and say that I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, am regularly seeing a therapist, and am on anti-depressants. **

**I don't know why I'm bothering to put this up here. Sometimes I tell myself that it's to help raise awareness for things like mental illness (Depression is a mental illness) and suicidal behavior and make others feel less alone. When I can convince myself of that it's almost always a better day. But on other days I'm more honest with myself and realize that I want there to be a trace of me left behind when I finally go through with it and kill myself; like leaving behind a puzzle for my family to solve. Morbid, I know. Selfish, I know too. **

**I created a new account to post honestly. I am still too afraid to link this to my main account so for now, you can be left wondering (if you even care) which regular fanfiction writer has so many issues.**

**So ya. That's it. This is me. Keep reading. Or not. It doesn't really matter. But don't hate on me. I'm just being honest. And I don't think I can take it. **


	2. Goodbye

**Hello everyone. I'm terribly sorry to inform you, but I won't be completing this story. As a matter of fact, I won't be completing any of my stories ever again. The reason, if you cared to ask, is because today is my last day on Earth. If that vague generalization meant nothing to you, I'll spell it out nice and clearly: I won't be writing anymore fan fiction because I am planning on killing myself in a few hours. I just feel like I owe it to you guys to at least tell you not to expect these stories to be updated again. I'm really sorry but I just can't do this anymore. So I guess this was it. It was a pleasure having you read my stories, and your feedback was always so kind and supportive. I thank you for taking the time to read the crap that I have written and I wish you all the best in life. Please go out and do some good in the world. Just because I can't doesn't mean you can't. So ya. This is it. Goodbye.  
As always, lots of love,  
-Lia**


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